How To Select An English Soccer Team

Now there is no shame in admitting it, we know you watched the Euro Cup this summer and there is no shame in enjoying the beautiful game, so you can pull those back issues of Four Four Two from between your mattresses while we decide how you should select an English Premier League Season.

The popularity of the beautiful game is only growing in America and admitting that you are a football fan is no longer akin to coming out of the closet to your parents on Fathers Day. ESPN and other stations are now covering it and you may have noticed that you don’t have to wait until the last 30 seconds of Sports Center to find out what the scores for the Champions League were. While it is true that most true football fans huddle around TV sets with pints in the wee hours of the morning in darkened pubs all around North America this has more to do with the time difference than embarrassment. Also any real beer aficionado will tell you the best pints are pulled between 7 and 10 AM (to clarify, drunks will also tell you this).

Now this year due in large part to the success of the European Cup and the high standard of football that was played I have a lot of friends who were casual fans of the beautiful game getting much more interested. This is in large part to the beautiful ‘champagne’ football that was played through out the entire tournament and also because Portugal, France and Italy went home rather quickly ensuring that most of the diving this summer will take place in pools in Beijing.

Now why would you want to follow an English Premiership side, England didn’t even qualify for the European Cup? This is true but merciless ownership and the ever present drive for top flight competition means that very few English players actually play in their domestic leagues. Also all of the commentary is done in English and makes it much easier to understand, even if the bloke announcing it is a northern Geordie.

What Teams Not To Select

Most teams would make a fine choice for any international fan. However, it is best to steer clear of the big 4. These are the clubs that typically win it all and finish in the top for positions in the league to earn a place in the Champions League. For those of you keeping score at home the big 4 are Manchester United, Chelsea, Arsenal and Liverpool.

Why wouldn’t I want to pick a winning side, I can hear you asking. Well winning isn’t really all that fun to be honest, it’s completely overrated. It’s even worse when you’re expected to win, no victory is ever big enough and you’re likely to be reminded of every defeat for quite some time. Remember how rabid red Sox fans were and Cubs fans are, its proof that a solidly devoted fan base depends more on crushing defeats and the agony of almost getting there more than winning does. I mean Arsenal might as well play on the moon as Emirates is completely devoid of atmosphere and Liverpool fans are known to be incredibly silent when the 5,000 away fans chant ‘Where’s your famous atmosphere’.

There are plenty of reasons to dislike he big four clubs and I don’t need to give you a detailed list but remember that unless you are from those towns or have some sort of connection to those clubs choosing them as your side is basically like someone from Iowa becoming a Yankees fan, we see through you.

The Top 4 Clubs to Consider

4. Sunderland AFC
Nickname(s): The Black Cats
Player to Watch: Dean Whitehead
Famous Supporters: Dave Stewart (Eurythmics), Neil Tennant (Pet Shop Boys)
Recent Silverware: 1973 FA Cup

Formed by a group of teachers looking for a kick about after giving the strap to their thick students, Sunderland are new boys in the Premiership. Having gained promotion from the Championship last year under their superb coach Roy Keane and disco pants wearing chairman Niall Quinn, Sunderland managed to do what most teams don’t in their first year in the Premiership, stay up.

Now taking a look at the somewhat camp famous supporters list will tell you immediately that there is no chance you could be called a bandwagon jumper for following this team. They are making a lot of purchases in the transfer season this year and it looks like they are working their way to the middle of the table and becoming a permanent fixture in the top flight of English football. Also they haven’t won anything other than promotion since 1973 so it has to be their year sometime soon, ha-ha.

3.Fulham FC

Nickname(s): The Cottagers
Player to Watch: Bobby Zamora
Famous Supporters: Michael Jackson, Daniel Radcliffe (I suppose the question is which came first)
Recent Silverware: Unless you count the InterToto Cup or lower division honours, which we don’t, then Fulham hasn’t really ever won anything

How can you not cheer for a team whose mascot is Bobby the Badger, I mean really how can their be any doubt about this at all. Joking aside though after last years great escape and Fulham pulling off a miracle on the scale of wine to water you have to give it to Fulham. Having always been the also rand of London’s’ top flight football teams for years there is something gritty and determined about Fulham.

If you are looking for atmosphere you would be hard pressed to find a stadium in London with more than Craven Cottage, which also doubles as one of the most unique grounds in the entire Premiership (think of Wrigley or Fenway but in soccer terms). The club is also flush with American national player which should make it easier for you to justify supporting them if you are looking for other reasons. To add to this their biggest rival are Chelsea (who despite their name do not play in Chelsea but instead have their ground in Fulham) which sets the stage for a David versus Goliath battle each time they play and what sort of cold bastard cheers for Goliath. They really are the true underdogs of London football and a more likeable team you will struggle to find.

2. Manchester City

Nickname(s): The Citizens, City, The Blues
Player to Watch: Martin Petrov
Famous Supporters: Noel and Liam Gallagher, Ricky ‘the hitman’ Hatton
Recent Silverware: 1976 League Cup

Ah the other team from Manchester. To be honest outside of Manchester itself the best place to see hordes of city supporters would have to be at Ricky Hatton fights or Oasis gigs. Compared to their posh cross city (ok so united don’t actually play in Manchester), city are the boys from the wrong side of the tracks. And how much more hard man could your image be if you were owned by a former Asian prime minister who is facing charges for corruption and human rights violations. These lads put the blue in blue collar.

Last year this side confounded expectations after being purchased by a man whose name 90% of the supporters can’t pronounce. They hired disgraced former England national coach Sven Goran Erickson and spent most of the season at the top of the table. What did the club do after all of this success and qualifying for European competition, they fired the coach that got them there. What else would you expect from a club with a boat on its crest in a city that is completely landlocked? This is the sort of lunacy you need to be a true football supporter, the near victory and self sabotage that will have you up every Saturday morning to see if the new Welsh coach will start an orange at midfield. This is the sort of lunacy at the core of being a true fan of football.

1. Tottenham Hotspur FC

Nickname(s): Spurs, Lilywhites, Yids
Player to Watch: Luka Modric
Famous Supporters: Jeff Beck, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Jude Law, Me
Recent Silverware: 2008 Football League Cup

It was always going to be Tottenham at number one wasn’t it, I mean full disclosure I am a fan myself. That aside, there are plenty of solid reasons to be a Tottenham Supporter. Being one of the three big clubs in London is great but our fans aren’t racist (Chelsea) or scum (Arsenal) and generally enjoy some of the best away support in the Premiership.

First things first I had best warn you in spite of the recent trophy success last year it is not an easy road being a Spurs supporter. The team itself was named after a man who rebelled against Henry IV and was killed, chopped into quarters and displayed around the town; this should give you some idea of what it’s like being a spurs supporter. Also our nearest rivals, Arsenal, form with us the most vicious cross town derby in all of English football, with a great deal put on every meeting between the two clubs. Until smashing them 5-1 in the League Cup Semi Finals it had been 32 matches since we had beaten the scum.

This history of tragedy doesn’t stop with our run ins with l’arse, it continues off the pitch as well. For example after finishing fifth in two successive years and just outside a position in the Champions League we fired our manager midseason and finished 11th. Now as we have finally firmed up our Swiss cheese like defence we find ourselves on the cusp of losing our two star strikers. But the passion I can promise you is there, I mean our logo is a fighting cock standing on a ball and how does anyone beat that.

Where To Get Your Fix

World Soccer Daily: A daily two hour radio show that can be podcast at your convenience. The show is hosted by a brit and a scot out of LA and they aren't above explaining the basics of the beautifull game to new listeners.

ESPN SoccerNet: The main place to go for match information, scores and rumors.

Why Buying an iPhone Makes you a Bore

For this article I was originally planning on explaining why all cell phones are by default fairly poor but due to the hype surrounding the iPhone I decided to focus on why you shouldn’t buy an one rather than going into all of the reasons why regardless of what has been promised to us by all cell phone manufacturers they all fall somewhat short. However, we all know mobile phones are terrible, you own one, and I don’t need to tell you why it’s bad. However, the new great white hope is here, the iPhone. To listen to crApple’s pr regarding the device you would think it was the second coming and that is why I have to explain to you the dangers and pit falls of buying one and why ultimately you will be left with the feeling of a bad one night stand should you buy one, with all the added insult of being forced to sleep on the wet spot as a reminder.

For the purposes of full disclosure I must admit that I am a disgruntled former crApple customer, and through my experience with their products and customer service have developed something of a venomous hatred for them based on how I was treated. So it is safe to say that the iPhone or any crApple product was going to get a fair shake from me.

The first thing you need to remember is crApple is not a computer company they are a life style brand, they are not concerned about functionality so much as they are about the image that owning a crApple product creates in the mind of the consumer. Ever since they launched their brightly coloured and heavily styled iMac’s they have revolutionized the way that computers look and on the face of it that was great, and possibly the best thing crApple ever did for the market. Ever since then we have been forced to deal with the cult of crApple. A group of fanatical supporters, akin to religious fanatics trying desperately to convert and condemn everyone who does not share their view and they run ads to support this. Seriously is there any human alive who doesn’t want to punch Justin Long in the face yet? And while playing a Mac in the commercials he was dating Drew Barrymore so don’t even try to tell me Mac’s don’t get viruses.

Now we have the iPhone being launched world wide and the global phenomenon continues. This poses a problem for the style obsessed man, is this something worth buying. It is clearly the most hyped consumer electronics release of the year and everyone and their dog is talking about it, surely it must be worth the purchase. The answer is simply no and for all the following reasons I will explain why buying an iPhone could be the worst decision you make this year.

Style: Now before you go shouting at me and trying to convince me that the iPhone has changed the way phones are designed I need to remind you that crApple is actually chasing the curve on this rather than leading. About a month before the turtle necked leader announced the iPhone, LG and Prada teamed up to launch the Prada Phone in Europe. Sure it didn’t have all the bells and whistles features that crApple claimed they would have in the iPhone but it was essentially the same phone. The Prada Phone was a slim touch screen phone with two buttons and for style points it did have a snobbier badge with the Prada logo.
Now that we have that cleared up lets’ get back to the iPhone. The phone itself is actually quite ugly if you look at it on its’ own. While crApple may have revolutionized design in the last decade this is just hideous and gives you the feeling they stopped trying. Mac’s are stylish in the same way the VW Beetle was a triumph in the 60’s, the problem is it lacks sophistication, or refinement. There really is nothing unique about it. Just like how all VW cars look basically the same so do all crApple products, it was stylish at first but now it is just ubiquitous. If you care at all about style and fashion you also know that you want to have something that is different and unique and this, my friends, definitely is not.

Phone: Let us not forget that at its core it is meant to be a mobile phone and if I can not make a receive calls. Now after having been loaned one by a friend to muck about with I have to say the call quality is appalling. I mean we are talking about two tin soup cans and some twine bad. It can have all the bells and whistles of a seaside amusement park but it is first and foremost a phone, and at this rate you’re better off using a pay phone. As a means of perspective I have a 2 year old Motorola KRAZR that happens to be on the same network as the iPhone I was using was and decided to leave messages one after the other on my voicemail. The difference was staggering. On the iPhone it sounded like I was calling from inside a tin can smack in the middle of the demilitarized zone, and on the beaten up and quite old KRAZR I was just a bloke on a cell phone. The iPhone falls at the first and most basic hurdle.

Quirks: Anyone who has ever used a Mac knows that they are designed with massive deficiencies that the company defines as quirks, things like their steadfast belief that you really only need one mouse button even after having long been proven to be wrong. Well their latest little development has its fair share of quirks that confound logic and just annoy the end user. There is a laundry list of poorly conceived problems with the device such as;

-No copy\paste (how basic is this, I mean seriously)
- The complete lack of stereo Bluetooth
-No voice dialling or dial by name functionality
-Doesn’t record video at all
-Terrible reception
-No expandable memory card slots
-Can not multi-task
-Safari browser is just terrible

Essentially the iPhone promises you the world but delivers a fairly mediocre version of it. I feel a bit like Jeremy Clarkson at the end of a Top Gear challenge, ‘if you want a small, fast and capable media handheld buy a Sony PSP, but if you want a phone buy a phone.’

As for me I jumped out of the rat race entirely and order myself a Vertu Constellation. It may lack a camera or any sort of new functionality like web browsing but it is unspeakably beautiful and well made and I am almost guaranteed to be the only one at the party to have one, and this makes it a winner even before I explain the concierge service that comes with it. My phone gets me reservations at French Laundry, Monaco hotel rooms and in places that most people can only dream about so explain to me again what your phone does?

Update: It turns out that mac is so conscious of what is being said about their prducts that within 30 seconds of posting a link to digg there was someone on here from macquarters in Cupertino. They really are the most fragile and sensitive kids in the class.

Guidelines for how to rock the rock t-shirt and not look like a twat

The band shirt, be it purchased at the show or from a small basement of a specialist shop, has been a sartorial bit of fashion for years. The trouble with wearing a bands shirt is that most of the time the people you see wearing them are hapless douches with strange facial hair and a penchant for the ‘tallica. Not since the mullet has one fashion accesory been so divisive. Granted it is not always that bad, a well styled MC5 shirt can be worn with a pair of jeans a smart jacket and look quite good. This is however a real danger zone for fashion as the second you drift into the sartorial realm you run the risk of looking like a ponce, see guys who got corn rows after Beckhams ill fated flirtation with them or hipsters anywhere in general. With a few simple guidelines you can avoid the obvious blunders and look quite stylish.

1. Vintage shirts are good but make sure they’re not too worn or ratty. No matter how cool you think a vintage Iron Maiden 'Number of The Beast' cotton poly blend is, remember that it was originally worn by someone who actually liked that band in the 80’s. Nothing says a commitment to sartorial fashion like something stained in metal head sweat and 20 years worth of bong hits. We suggest a thorough delousing.

2. Thou shalt not wear a bands tour shirt to their concert ever! While it may be a show of your fandom to prove that you saw The Arctic Monkeys before anyone had heard of them, it still makes you look like you’re trying too hard to prove it. The thing about fashion is, that when it is at it’s most stylish it looks effortless and you are definitely going to look like you put too much thought into it. Sub heading, also avoid wearing related bands kit to another ones show. For example do not wear a Joy Division shirt to a New Order gig, once again it’s too try hard. If you want to show a sense of humour, wearing a Kylie Minogue or Yanni shirt to a Bjork show will do the trick.

3. Never under any circumstances wear a shirt with tour dates on the back.

4. If you want to be clever about it don’t wear other rock type clothes with the shirt. For example a studded belt or Bono-esque sunglasses do not prove to the world that ‘you’re more rock’ than anyone else. It basically screams failed musician who expresses his love through other peoples lyrics, and just generally the kind of guy who spends way too much time in his parents basement.

5. Unless you’ve ever been to CBGB’s don’t wear the shirt, in fact don’t wear the shirt even if you have. Because that ship has sailed and unless you saw Tom Verlaine or Patti Smith there and bought the shirt then it probably just shows you off as a band wagon jumper.

6. Minimal shirt designs are always a winner, subtlety is always a good thing to have on your side.

7. Remember it doesn’t always have to be a shirt. A military style jacket that looks like it would have been worn by Liam Gallagher or Ian Brown would also do the trick nicely. Or perhaps a stripey red and white pull over in the style of Tom from Kasabian will do. Just try to avoid looking like you walked out of Sgt. Peppers.

8. Unless it’s Morrisseys’ it’s best to avoid shirts with performers faces on them.

9. Under no circumstances should you ever buy a Coldplay shirt, hoodie, thong, hat, cd…..etc. We all know they are terrible and the like but there is no way you can pull it off even ironically, it’s like jokes about 9/11 it’s still too soon. Best case scenario people think you’re a twit trying to be clever, worst case they actually think you’re a fan.

10. Have fun with the pairings. Nothing ranks higher on the sartorial list of cool better than DSQUARED jeans, a Tom Ford jacket and a vintage Clash shirt.

11. Nothing about is KISS is cool. I realise this is of limited value to the current topic of discussion but worth mentioning none the less. I don't care how clever or bucking the system you think you are by ironically appreciating music, there is nothing to be said for KIS. I also really don't care if Chuck 'I'm soo fucking clever' Klosterman disagrees, he's a twat anyways.

Chanel Attempts To Unstart A Fire

Some things are too good to be true. I recently posted an entry regarding the Chanel Choco concept phone as designed by Fred de Garilhe. The phone was an exceptional thing of beauty but unfortunately it looks as though Chanel have seen fit to try and have the image removed from the internet completely. I received a blog comment on the entry from someone claiming to be the designer of the concept sketches stating that Chanel requested they be removed. So dutifully I will remove the image out of respect for the designer as well as the brand.

Now I have always understood why large fashion houses want to safe guard themselves from forgeries or copies, and anyone who has ever taken a walk down Canal St in New York knows why. Bad imitations and misrepresentations can ruin a brand not so much in lost revenue but in cheapening the brand. Ask Burberry and Luis Vuitton about this and I am sure they will tell you the unending nightmares they have faced when people buy cheap forgeries. In this case though I am a little saddened by the decision to remove all record of this beautiful work from the internet, not that it is possible Kanye posted it on his blog as well. This was not a knock off and as someone who likes to think they follow brands, I was something that didn’t degrade the brand. Although With Prada already in the market and Gucci rumored to be following suit soon I have to wonder if they are trying to pull this because they are looking to launch their own phone soon and want to manage customers expectations themselves rather than leave it to speculation. So while it is sad that Chanel has chosen to go this route but hopefully we will get something out of this.

Here is the original comment left on my blog by the designer.

Dear sir,

You've edited my concept a few days ago (chanel choco phone), and unfortunetely, the brand Chanel have contacted me to remove every links and images...

Could you remove averything concerning it ?

By advance, thanks very much...


Fred de garilhe

If you would like to see more of the designers work you can visit his portfolio site

Chanel Tests The Waters With Concept Cell Phone

The traditional cell phone has been dying a slow and painful death over the years. Once Blackberry appeared on the scene a warning shot was fired across the bow of the traditional mobile phone makers and as of yet very few of them have responded. Motorolla who were once on the cutting edge of stylish and sleek mobile phones have been in decline since the RAZR was launched and people realized it’s problems. Now Apple has hopped into the frame and took the smart phone, gave it a fresh coat of paint, spent some time on the user interface and became all the rage. The question remains to be what happens to the cell phone next, are we going to see some innovative designs or will it continue is slow death march into oblivion at the hands of RIM and Apple.

The Chanel Choco phone concept turns that on it’s ear. While the phone is just a concept at this stage it shows a strong and bold design that steps completely out of the realm of normalcy and into a completely new territory and it starts with the nonstandard for factor. While most phones fall in to one of three categories be it traditional, flip or slider this concept phone is an ornate rubix cube that turns the concept of expectations and standards on their ear. While I doubt we are really quite that close to seeing this phone in posh bejeweled hands all across the world it is a step in the right direction and a statement of intent that your average consumer is bored with the stale mobile phone market. It also shows that Fred de Garilhe can design stylish and workable technology without it looking to gadgety. Lets not forget that this is the man who was known for his Apple SPICE concept computer not to long ago and that was simply terrible.

Keep your fingers crossed, you never know what might happen.

A Metrosexual Guide to Valentines Day

With the most dreaded day on the dating calendar fast approaching it would be wise to make sure you have a plan in place for how to handle your wife, girlfriend or overly committed friend with benefits. While everyone acknowledges that this day is simply a meaningless Hallmark holiday it is best to not try and explain that to your significant other when you show up empty handed on the big day. While you want to show her that you care it would be even more meaningful if you did it in a way that wasn’t flowers and chocolates from the offing. You need to prove to her/him that you care and in a thoughtful way, so here are a few simple tips for how to be the white knight even if it’s just for one evening.

Write her a letter

We can all accept that cards are impersonal and played out there is still something in the sentiment that you don’t want to lose. Now the advantage of writing her a letter proves that you put the time and effort into it as well as exposing that rarely ever seen emotional side of you that only comes out when Spurs beat Arsenal 5-1 in a cup semifinal (). The form of the letter can be the most basic thing in the world and if you aren’t comfortable with the idea of spilling your emotions on the page you can simply retell the story of how you met in a slightly more flattering fashion than, ‘through the beer goggles you looked well fit’. You might want to break out the thesaurus for this one.

Jewelry

Now look it isn’t everyone’s forte and you might not even be at the stage where jewelry is appropriate in the relationship. However, if you have been dating for more than 6 months a simple but elegant piece of jewelry makes all the difference in the world. I personally like small things from Cartier and Tiffany’s. I have yet to find a woman alive who doesn’t love opening a small jewelry box from either of those places. Also they both offer small silver pieces that can be worn often and they lack the gaudy appeal of your local malls chain jewelers.

Getting the small things right

Women are the fairer sex for a reason and they tend to notice the small frequent gestures more than the large once or twice a year ones. This is your time to shine, try making her breakfast in bed or possibly even surprising her at hear office with her favorite latte. Over an above the usual things like pulling out chairs, holding the door open for her or helping her into the car I will share one of my secrets with you. When she is taking a shower take the towels and throw them in the dryer for a few minutes so they are warm to the touch when she gets out. Making a few simple changes will really make her day special I promise you and they are small and cheap to do.

The Time Tested Old As Mud And Slightly Less Creative Old Stan Bys

Flowers

OK so you lack imagination in a serious way or possibly she just really likes them. Now every woman in the world will be sent a series of tired and worn out floral arrangements usually accompanied by enough babys breath to choke a horse, you need to be different. Make absolute sure you know her favourite flower as well as her favorite color, these things will come in handy. If you have the time try to go down to your local florist and take the time to make the arrangement yourself. The staff will always oblige and usually make helpful suggestions as to which flowers would compliment which ever her favorite is. If a bouquet is out of the question you might want to try a beautifully potted plant. There is something elegant about a single orchid plant and it will play into her natural instinct to nurture.

Chocolates

Every year a study is done on the effects of chocolate on women followed by an accompanying piece in Elle or Vogue that tells us women why chocolate is better than men (followed by 7 pages of how to keep the guy of their dreams). It wouldn’t be Valentines without chocolates and it gives diet conscious women a guilt free excuse to eat the rich confection. Whatever you do never, under pain of death, buy the generic next to the cash register chocolates at your local chemists. If she is going to go off the diet for one day you had better make it worth it and only the best will do. I was lucky enough to stumble on what to my mind is the greatest chocolate truffles I have ever tasted and I’ll share this one with you. Joseph Schmidt makes the best chocolate truffles I have ever had and their artisan approach really differentiates them from your average chocolate producer. Not only is their range of chocolates staggering but the presentation is artful and stunning. Also you can select the flavors of truffle that you place within any arrangement so you can ensure that she doesn’t end up with 5 great chocolates and then the completely bewildering chocolate dipped ginger.


If you make the effort the day will most likely go down a storm for you, and at the end of the day that is all that really matters. Single men do not fret either, if experience counts for anything you might want to try your local pub for single women also suffering as much as you are.

Trend Spotting: Earnest Sewn

Denim fads come and go, it would seem as though every social trend requires a corresponding denim style. Honestly, what would the 80’s have been without acid wash and heavily distressed by wear? To be a discerning connoisseur of denim fashion you need to be able to skip through the trends and cut down to the heart of the moment. I owe this tip to a dear friend of mine who is a model in new York. Some time ago she came upon Earnest Cut and Sewn a hot new York label that has taken denim to a new level. Thankfully with this tip from her I was able to get ahead of the trend which has put the jeans everywhere from CSI Miami episodes to the legs of the rather toned David Beckham. In fact I even saw a pair of their Hemingway style being worn by Jessica Simpsons ex Nick Lachey during a pre Super Bowl interview with the antichrist himself Ryan Seacrest. Now this label is getting a lot of publicity and it has come to the point where it is time to trade in those ludicrously monogrammed rock and republic jeans and step into something that doesn’t make it seem like you’re trying to hard.

Now for those of you who can’t make it into their Meatpacking District flagship store to have a pair custom made for you there is hope. Not only can you buy their denim online directly from their website (http://www.earnestsewn.com/) as well as various different retailers such as Bloomingdales and Holt Renfrew. The absolute winner about this brand is that they seem to have denim for all occasions, don’t be surprised if you find yourself spending a large sum of cash on getting the latest looks. Oh and by the way seeing as how Valentines Day is coming up you might want to look into getting the woman in your life a few pairs. Trust me on this one, it is less obvious than lingerie but the results get to be enjoyed all day.





Even Beckham is in on the trend